Arkansas Press Conference: Texas Week

*Petrino talks to Agent on phone*

Petrino: Well how much are they offering?... Hmm I don't know how I feel about that city... No I don't have a problem with the air pollution... Well of course I'd quit coaching here in the middle of the season, but only tell them that if they offer me another mil...*to reporter* what was that?


Reporter: I said, Coach Petrino, How do you feel about Texas?

Petrino: Well, it's a good job, but I'm pretty sure they won't fire Mack Brown, and the whole state of Texas is pretty ridiculous.


Reporter: No, Coach, I mean the Texas game this weekend.


Petrino: Oh well it should be a good one, they pay Brown a lot of money, you pay me a lot of money, Everybody should get rich.


Reporter: How do you think the games going to turn out?


Petrino: Why should I give a fuck? As long as we don't beat the spread, I still win a cool $50,000.

*goes back to cell phone*


Petrino: Yeah, I know that I'm not looking to good at Arkansas right now... Well they left the cupboard bare. Besides if it doesn't work out, it's pretty easy to get out of a coaching job by saying that Michael Vick wasn't there. It worked last time.


Reporter: What did you do to start this weekend?


Petrino: Hold on let me get rid of these reporters *back to press* I went on some recruiting trips.


Reporter: Were there any good prospects?


Petrino: Well, I like the facilities and location at UCLA, but I don't know how I feel about being in Pete Carol's backyard. Arizona State was really nice though. Listen. I appreciate you all coming, but I've got a job to get... I mean do. Get in there Dick!

*Casey Dick bows down to him*

Dick: Yessir, Mr. Petrino, sir!
*Faces Reporters*


Dick: Hey dudes! What's shaking?


Reporter: Casey how prepared are you to deal with this Texas team?


Dick: Oh I was born ready! All I really needed was old Trigger here.


Reporter: Trigger?


Dick: BOOM!

*Flexes right arm and throws football out of reporters reach, into waiting arms of Alabama defensive back*

Reporter: Isn't that the kind of shenanigans that got you in trouble with Alabama?

Dick: No! I blame the wideouts. It was the offensive line's fault. The fans put too much pressure on me. Besides, where's the fun in playing Quarterback if you can't swing it all over the field?

Reporter: Maybe in Winning?

Dick: Fuck Winning! *Strikes Pose* Casey Dick for Heisman, bitches!

Catlanta gets hit!

Atlanta was a blue place, but Catlanta will soon disperse, and the big blue machine will finish their drink , pack their bags and head home following the overtime victory of Georgia over Kentucky 60-56.

Big Foot Fool: I don’t know what to say about this game, except I love seeing the blue get on the highway and get out of town. In my hotel I heard Kentucky fans complaining on the elevator this morning about not getting to even see their team play, but It’s just deserts for them staying up all night doing their F*cking C-A-T-S cheer and keeping me awake.

JTExperience: Yeah, I almost feel bad for their fans, after having their game rescheduled after last night’s tornadoes, then not even being able to attend today, then losing in overtime...
Almost.
Heh. Suck it, Kentuck. C-A-T-S CATS CATS CATS!!!

Big Foot Fool: I’m sure the Kentucky players actually prefer to not have their fans at the game. It’s like basketball games with your drunk alcoholic father: you’d almost rather go it alone. Georgia’s players look at that ratty mob of drunken blueberry crazies and just laugh. “Thank God all my Georgia crazies just watch the football team!” they say. Plenty of open seats now.

JTExperience: At least Kentucky has found a kind of equilibrium among the branches of Men’s Athletics…they had a superlative basketball program for so long, complemented by a shitty football team. Now, football has gotten up to mediocre, and basketball met them halfway. They’ve turned into a mediocre, underachieving athletic program with unrealistic expectations, or, the University of Arkansas.

Big Foot Fool: Yeah, but at least they are getting all of the media love to propel them into the NCAA tournament. OH man do you hear that? The bitching about the sideline runner? “Swallowed the Whistle?” Tell you what, how about we decide the game on the floor.

JTExperience: It just gives the sportscasters a chance to swallow Gillespie’s little whistle: “It was a great coaching move; I don’t care that it’s not called often, it was a brilliant coaching move that the officials didn’t call.” [suck, suck, suck, swallow]

Big Foot Fool: Speaking of swallowing, what about all 12 inches that Billy Donovan gave to the worst performers of the SEC tournament, 2-year champion Florida Geightors? I barely had time to see any jorts running away from them ternaders with them getting punked in the first round by Bama.

JTExperience: ‘ey dog, ‘ey. I love jorts. They’re really comfortable, and stylish.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it must be great to be Mississippi State right now. Here guys, you get to play against a team who’s already played a game today. Seriously though, it’ll be pretty pathetic if Miss. State loses. If I know anything, it’s that the Bulldogs will come out on top.
Tee-hee.

Big Foot Fool: What are you on crack? No one comes out on top in this game… Basketball loses.
Score
F-2 Tornado 1Basketball 0
Okay so Tennessee will probably take down Arkansas in the game this afternoon, and Miss. St. can sleep through the game against UGA. I say Tennessee takes the tournament by 20 points over Miss. St.

JTExperience: Dude, whatever. Arkansas is SO going to win. We can’t be stopped. We’re unstoppable, if you will. We’ll run all over Tennessee this afternoon, then even though Jamont Gordon is stacked like a muh-effin’ Adonis (no homo), the Razorbacks will Michael Vick all over the bulldogs.

Big Foot Fool: Effin’ homer.