Homer In

I like the Arkansas Razorbacks. They are my team for this year and every year to come. So, despite my homering love for the razorbacks, I think I have a pretty accurate idea of what is going to happen this next season and I'm going to share those predictions with you right now.



Sept. 1st in Fayetteville Hogs beat Troy St.
The Hog Faithful have hyped this up as the 3rd game in a row between the hogs and the USC Trojans, asking the Troy St. players and small contingent of fans to just play along. When the USC players make passes or get tackled or whatever, the PA announcer will use USC player names like Reggie Bush, Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, Troy Polamalu, and even ineligible sophomores Damian Williams and Mitch Mustain. The Broyles Center continues to use this victory as a rallying point for Hog Fans for the rest of the season. Final Score (54-10)



Sept. 15th in Fayetteville Hogs lose to Nick Saban
No, not against Alabama. The hogs play Nick Saban to a close game, but his $4 mil a year is too powerful for the players and their lack of salary. The Alabama players come to the game, but after a demoralizing loss to Vandy the week before Saban chooses to not let any of them play, except a few downs where John Parker Wilson just chucks it at the end zone and Nick Saban runs 80 yards and catches it despite the hogs quadruple coverage. Thinking that at least Nick Saban can't cover all 4 wideouts on defense the hogs employ a spread offense, but the quarterbacks fail to complete passes to wide open recievers with (as Casey Dick says), "Him looking at me that way." Final Score (13-38)



Sept. 22nd in Fayetteville Hogs beat Kentucky
Andre Woodson and the Wildcats roll in to Fayetteville with their chins up following a loss to Louisville the week before. "I don't know why they have their chins up," says Reggie Herring, "if I lose to a team from the Big East I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror without wanting to commit suicide." The hogs jump out to a 38-10 lead at halftime, but Houston feeling sporty and remembering how much fun the 2003, 7 overtime thriller was in Lexington, decides he wants the home fans to get the same experience. With the hogs having the power to completely dictate every aspect of the game, coach Rich Brooks gets tired of watching his non-factor team get tossed around the field for 9 overtimes and tackles Darren McFadden himself getting himself suspended and earning a 501 tattoo that the Razorbacks star running back forces him to get after the game is over. Final Score (79-71)



Sept. 29th in Fayetteville Hogs roll over North Texas
A coach who went 79-1 in a state where it is tougher to play high school football than it is to play Big East football is a scary prospect. While the coaching may be supreme, the talent just won't be there to keep the hogs out of the endzone a pornographic number of times. After the horror of watching the Razorbacks belittle the Nice Green, The rookie Coach, Todd Dodge, wakes up the next day and drives to Southlake and begs for his old job back. Final Score (55-7)

Oct. 6th in Little Rock Hogs defeat UT Chattanooga
Why are the mocks even playing football? The Hog schedulers are taking a spot reserved for perennial Sunbelt loser Lousiana Monroe, and replacing it with a team that frankly can't play football. The starters on this team couldn't win the University of Arkansas Intramural league. Darren McFadden, Felix Jones, Marcus Monk, and Peyton Hillis don't even dress out for this game. They hang out in the student section with H-O-G-S painted on their chests, but they stand in the wrong order the whole game so it says "GOSH". Houston Nutt lets the Razorback fans in attendance pick the plays by text messaging him. Final Score (55-0)

Oct. 13th in Fayetteville Hogs lose to Auburn
Auburn is a solid team and The Cox are just too much better than the lone Dick. While the running games are both very solid, the defenses will prove too powerful to let either one by. The Razorbacks weak secondary will allow the Cox to plunge the ball down their throats time after time after time. Look for the Hogs to rally when Nutt uses Nathan "The Vagina" Emert in the 3rd and 4th quarter as his Vaginal Skills will spur the hogs to a too little, too late comeback. Final Score (27-35)

Oct. 20th in Oxford Hogs Beat Ole Miss Rebels
Oxford is place where the hogs spotty performances have resulted in some bizarre games including a 7 overtime thriller in 2001. The hogs have been 2-2 in the last four games played in Oxford, but hope to prove their #4 place in the SEC West with a win over the Rebels. The hogs playing only their second road game start off shaky, but following a fumble by Benjarvus Green-Ellis, the hogs take advantage and take the game. Coach Orgeron eats his own head after the game and the rebels use their underused talent to go undefeated for the rest of the season, but the game ends Final Score (28-24)

Oct. 27th in Fayetteville Hogs beat Florida International
Following a home game against Miami in which the entire Florida International Team is suspended for using Hand Guns in a brawl, the game is forfeited. All of the fans still show up and watch Houston Nutt play the game on NCAA Football 2008 on the jumbo tron. The game is boring as Houston's only offensive play is "HB Dive". The beauty of the game is remarked on by several fans saying things like "It's like I'm really there" and "Darren McFadden looks so real". Houston Nutt loses to Florida in the game by a score of 14-6, but the actual game goes down as a win for the Hogs. Final Score (0-0)

Nov. 3rd in Fayetteville Hogs Edge Gamecocks
Steve Spurrier emits a string of unintelligible curses throughout the entire game. The old Ball coach can't understand why his pants keep falling down until he realizes that fellow old man, Frank Broyles and soon to be ex Athletic Director for the Hogs, pantses him at the beginning of the play, but Spurrier focuses on the play long enough for the agile Broyles to hide. The distractions to his coaching and the distraction to his players (his underwear that says "Fun and Gun") aid in the hogs in a narrow victory despite their weak secondary. Final Score (17-14)

Nov. 10th in Knoxville Hogs beat Tennessee
Frank Broyles is at it again trying to pants Tennessee coach Phil Fulmer, but as Phil doesn't even care about coaching the games anymore he catches the ancient trickster on his first try and has him thrown off to jail. The hogs indignant at the Jailing of their AD, proceed to listen to the Foo Fighters' song Hero and beginning playing a James Vander Beek, Varsity Blues style football with slow motion effects that the volunteers just don't understand. As the game progresses the strains of Rocky Top get slower and slower as the Hogs use their running game, a blocked punt, a kick off return for a touchdown, an interception return for a touchdown, and a long bomb for a touchdown as only the writers and directors of Hollywood can be so arrogant to believe are in every single football game. Final Score (38-35) *despite the apparent dominance by the Hogs

Nov. 17th in Little Rock Hogs beat Miss. St.
After being set free, Frank Broyles regains public approval using his superior fundraising skills to convince several rich fans to donate everything they own including their souls for the University of Arkansas and Razorback Athletics. Using the Souls of old rich people, the razorback players are given supernatural powers that don't help them play football but do help them improve their ability to make smart fiscal decisions. With the knowledge that they and their loved ones will be taken care of if something happens to them the Razorbacks play with wild abandon and issue a sound defeat to the Bulldogs. Final Score (42-21)

Nov. 23rd in Baton Rouge Hogs end LSU's national Title hopes on Thanksgiving.
The hogs shake off their weird desires for financial prosperity and Matlock and show up to play solid footbal for their final regular season game. The Tigers Senior day is marred by a defeat at the hands of the hogs superior running attack... Ok, who am I kidding. The Tigers are #1 in the country at this point and they have been dominating teams all season long. They have some spotty play at running back and quarterback sometimes, but the overall talent level of the offense and defense has kept them ahead of every team so far and against the hogs it will be no difference. Let's just hope no one gets hurt. Final Score (13-26)

There you have it. The Razorbacks season laid out for you. Final Record 9-3(5-3)

The hogs will take 3rd place in the SEC West after Nick Saban injures himself halfway through the season and has to let his players play again. They are actually #5 in the SEC edging out Tennessee and South Carolina, but behind LSU, Auburn, Florida, and Georgia. Auburn will get the Sugar Bowl game and Florida Capital One. Outback Bowl will pick up Georgia and Arkansas will finally get that Cotton Bowl appearance they've been wanting for years.

The hogs will be taking on a Big 12 team which will fall to the mighty rushing of Darren McFadden. Ending in a 10-3 season where fans will once again be asking for Houston Nutt's head. We will hear over and over again for the following 9 months, "despite a 10 win season and a Heisman Trophy winning first overall pick of the NFL Draft, Houston Nutt is on the hot seat as Arkansas fans are demanding a BCS bowl". Don't you get sick of it?