Whatda F--k's up?

Tennis doesn't really make sense to me. I mean I love the sport, and I love watching the games and the matches, but the tournaments usually don't make a lot of sense to me. Same thing with Soccer, but I only have to talk about that once every four years, so I'll hold off until USA's next World Cup Flop.



This is the standings prior to day 6 at the Tennis Master's Cup in Shanghai. Federer was ranked number one to start the tournament and he starts off his round robin with the 4, 5, and 7 seeds. Meanwhile over in the Gold group, they have 2, 3, 6, and 8. I guess that's a fair balance, and I'm not exactly sure how I would choose to break up the round robin. I think the traditional style would be randomly assign first round matches, winners play each other and losers play each other, Go for three rounds until you have a 3-0 and 3 2-1 that way it's clear cut.

So anyway the way it looks right now... The gold group is decided, from there you have David Ferrer at 3-0 and Rafeal Nadal at 2-1. The red group, Andy Roddick (the other ARod) is through to the semifinals, but it's between Roger Federer and Fernando Gonzalez who gets the top spot. Gonzo already beat the swiss man, but unless Fed loses to Arod, Ferndando is going home, even if he beats the cheater Nikolay Davydenko.

Whatda F--k's up wit dat? If they are both 2-1, or 1-2, which should you look at first, head-to-head or Sets won and lost? I say head-to-head, but the Tennis master's cup round robin looks at sets won and lost... so when Fed was able to take 1 set from the Chilean, it was better than the win for Gonzo.

It looks like it will probably be a non-issue, as Fed hasn't lost to Roddick since August of '03 and Nikolay Daveydenko owns Gonzalez with a 3-0 record. It looks like it's gonna be 2-1 Fed and Roddick in the semis.

My other issue with tennis seeding is in all of the major tournaments. It's like you have 32 seeds right and 1 plays 17 and then 9 and then 5 and then 3. How can that sit right in any sports aficianado's mind? 1 plays 32 then 16, then 8, then 4. Sure they Number one seed still has the easiest road, but it just doesn't sit right with me.

This is a notice to Tennis. Cooperate! Do as you're told. Get your weirdo system in line with the sports in this nation, or I'll have to bust your balls internationally in all the countries that you are played in. I mean seriously... Whatda F--k's up?

Defending the Court, and Shanghai

I think they should make Roger Federer's 30 feet tall with 8 arms and 8 tennis Raquets.

A Grunt Match

When a Williams Sister plays the hotness, and the canon powershooting Maria Sharapova you can guarantee three things.

1) The Williams Sister will win
2) The Screaming will scare small children and delight young boys
3) Maria Sharapova will be SO smoking hot that I will almost forget my homering love for America and be tempted to cheer for her.

But seriously. Maria Sharapova now wants to be a Bond Girl. She should get something else in her tennis game. Learn how to do a drop shot... Learn how to come to the net. Find a different part of your game that will actually give you a chance to beat the best. What have you done since your Wimbledon win 3 or 4 years ago? A win at the U.S. Open last year over a recently divorced Justine Henin... Ok, but that's about it. I enjoy the Canon Commercials though, but next time learn to diversify your game or you'll be an after thought in a few years. You'll never be able to win with the hard hitting, screaming style of tennis as long as you have the pioneers of that style back out and closer to healthy doing it better than you.




USA! USA! USA! USA! We did it. We have reestablished ourselves as the most gluttonous nation in the world in Commanding fashion. The competitors lined up for the 92nd running at Surf and Stillwell and 576.5 hot dogs and 144,125 Calories later you have yourself an American champion dominating the slack jawed asian by 3 dogs complete with a regurgitation as Takeru Kobayashi gagged on the giant american weiners so completely swallowed by the mighty, white man from San Jose, California. Long Live Joey Chestnutt... King of Eating and King of our Great Cholestorol Clogged American Hearts.

Old Man Style

I'm a big tennis fan, but the only reason I've ever really chosen to cheer for the Williams Sisters comes from the fact that I'm such a Homer. An American Homer. You gotta love the way these girls came on the scene and looked so dominate. They were so good, and then they started getting injury after injury after injury. There injuries are the ones I am proud of people for having. Too much playing and trying too hard. Yesterday I found myself, along with about 13,000 fans at Centre Court in Wimbledon, England, cheering on the younger of the most bootylicious pair of Tennis sisters to ever grace the sport.

Why?

All of the sudden it looked like she was the underdog. Following the 1st set which Serena won, she and Daniela Handtuchova both got a break and fought to a 5-5 tie in the 2nd set. During Handtuchova's serve Serena begins hitting her calf after it tightened up with a cramp. And it's not one of those fake injuries that you see Soccer and Basketball players go down with. This is Calf seizing up and looking like it's gonna pop right off her freaking leg. She goes down and takes a medical time out to get it taken care of. She has to get back up after the time out is over and then loses that game to go down 6-5 and has her serve to take it to a tiebreaker.

Playing like this through the next game not even being able to serve with her normal orgasmic quality, she serves 98 and 108 mph for 2 of her serves only using an arm serve. She is walking around the court playing Old Man tennis like the 80 year old men down at your local tennis court that will whoop you like you're playing with a wooden racquet. So her old man play gets her to 40-30 while down 5-6 for the second set and she serves 110 mph ace!

Props to Serena. They go to the tiebreaker and Handtuchova takes it to her like she should. No mercy and they get to 2-4 Handtuchova in the tiebreaker and then the rain comes. The rain starts pouring down and the crowd actually cheered. For an American! That my friends is ridiculous. So after the rain delay Handtuchova wins the tie breaker, but Serena goes on to win the match in thrilling fashion complete with begging the chair to let her take a bathroom break which he denies her during Handtuchova's serve. Old Man Tennis at it's best.

In another case of Old Man sporting I take you to Roger Clemens and his 350th win. Soon to turn Ancient as he will become 45 next month Roger took it to the Minnesota Twins and held them to two hits. Old Man Pitching from the Rocket has led him to forcing many more groundballs and he finally had the chance to relax on the mound after the Yankeee bats came alive in the 6th and put up some run support. You have to love that gut. I think it's actually helping him pitch now. But you can't deny that old bastard still has some guns! I have my ticket to the gun show... Looks like the twins just got theirs.