Attention NBA General Managers and Coaches

BigFootFool: Tonight you guys have some tough decisions to make. It's like taking a final exam in college or high school. Many of you will blow it off and Christmas Tree this test... or Pick C everytime... Knicks Front Office, I'm looking in your direction... Your decisions tonight will affect the next year and possibly the next ten years of your career. Many of you have done very well in the past on this test and have a system in place that allows you to plug many of these prospects in and for them to be successful, but it doesn't mean you should make your picks lightly, Spurs, Pistons, Suns and Mavs. Some of you have bad systems in place and need to figure out how to get around that... once again Knicks I'm looking in your direction. We're gonna skip over the Remedial Portion of the exam that the trailblazers and the Supersonics are taking. There are only two answers and they are both correct.

First things First. Draft Good players. Draft someone that will be around. Don't draft a bench warmer. That being said draft to fill a hole on your team also. Don't draft someone just because they are the best player left in the draft. For example...Last year the Hawks took a Small Forward. On their practice exam they put down "take a small forward, I don't care who he is". Last year the Hawks failed this exam and almost got lucky enough that they could've taken the remedial exam. So Atlanta Hawks, I want you to write down this statement "Don't Draft a small Forward".

Memphis. Last year you went from a playoff team(albeit swept in 4 games) to a team with not just a bad record, but a terrible record. I'm tempted to say draft a big man, but being a Memphis fan I don't wanna see Joakim Noah there, plus he's not the banger you would need. He's just another European ( wait a minute he went to college in Floriduh...Look it up... he's French) wussy like Pau Gasol. Get a Point Guard. Teach him to shoot threes and it will be like having Jason Williams all over again except not so white.

Boston. You need a good coach, but you can't draft that. Honestly the Offense is there with this team if the defense could get up to the same level. Corey Brewer is a good defensive player that has good offense, too. He could've jumped pro last year especially with his family's financial situation, but he chose to stay and helped rack up another college title. Good character guy. Take Corey Brewer, or take Yi JianLian and trade him. And hire a new coach. His scores on his coaching aptitude test are WAY low.

ok, so there are a few equations you need to understand:

Previously many of you have used these equations:

Players ability to be picked = 1/2Hype + 1/2Foreignness (i.e. Darko Milicic)

Pickability = 1/8Talent + 7/8individual collegiate success (i.e. Adam Morrison)

Pickability = WTF? (i.e. Renaldo Balkman)

Talent = PPG ranking in Foreign or Collegiate Ranks

Tonight use these equations:

Pickability = 5/8Talent + 3/8Team Needs

Pickability = 0*Foreigness + 0* Bad Attitude + 1/2Character + 1/2 Talent

Talent = Offensive + Defensive play

GMs I'll allow you to use this equation, too, but only if you are up front about it:

Pickability = Marketability + Profitability

So tonight when you are picking... Make the right call. Use your head and don't draft something that your owners will throw in your face when they drop you at the end of a 20 win season.

JTExperience: I agree with you for the most part, Bavetta; however, I gotta lay this down.

Portland and Seattle, if you draft anybody besides Kevin Durant or Greg Oden, you fail at life. Your team will be disbanded, or sold to OKC and Las Vegas, respectively. Just don't. No Sam Bowie's here. I pray that you won't make the same mistake twice, Portland. There's no way anyone who is not fucking batshit insane passes over a guy that is Bill Russel's older brother and a guy that is Kevin Garnett's and Tracy McGrady's love child. End of story.

Atlanta...Atlanta...I know how much you want to become Warriors-East, but please, for the love of all that is holy, don't draft a swingman. Your direst needs are at both ends of the spectrum: Big man and point guard. In a draft this stacked, get your big man, and pick up Acie Law IV with your 11th pick. Go big or go home. Draft Al Horford. He's tight as hell as a person, and a BEAST. He's ready to contribute RIGHT NOW.
No! NO! BAD! Do NOT draft another 6-8 guy! NO! Aw, fuckberries.

Memphis: Draft Al Horford. Wait, shit, he's already gone. Well, if Atlanta fucks up and takes a swingman (which is extremely likely), or takes Mike Conley Jr., take Horford. If not, take Mike Conley Jr. Kid is dope. Those are really the only two guys that Atlanta should take, so it follows that you should pick the other. However, Conley is NOT like Jason "3-ball anytime, anywhere" Williams, as my counterpart seems to want; he's a LOT whiter than J-Will.

Ok Boston "Best Young Talent in the League" Celtics...don't fuck up and take that Chinese guy. Just don't. Please. You don't need another 'project.' Also, I want so, so dearly to see him on the Warriors; adding a 7-foot swingman would make them the dopest team in the league, bar none. David J. Stern, this has to happen.
You've got a good young big in Al Jefferson, and you have a disgruntled superstar swingman...so...you really have no excuse for not winning more games in the Leastern Conference. That's freaking pathetic. And a lot of good your tanking asses did, because now you get to draft...Corey Brewer! Damn, we keep agreeing here.
Also, fire your coach. He blows. Throw out your GM while you're at it. He blows too.

The rest of the draft is a crapshoot. There are some good players...whatever. All I know is, Spencer Hawes will get picked WAY too high, Jeff Green will probably be picked WAY too low, and Yi Jianlin had BETTER fucking go to the Warriors. I have to see Yi and Stephen Jackson playing together.

Do NOT pick a guy based solely on his workouts playing against a chair or against 40+ year old assistant coaches. Also, do not pick Johnny McCollege because he averaged 33.5 points a game at PissAnt U. Basically, don't fuck up, or everyone hates you. Good thing the Knicks don't have a lottery pick; at least now they don't fail the test automatically.