Weekly "F--k You"s.

We're starting a weekly (and maybe more often) "Fuck You" section. Each week, we'll choose a person, team, city, state, country, entity, establishment, object, or combination of the aforementioned to give a hearty "Fuck you." Enjoy.

This week's "Fuck You": The City of Boston.

City of Boston, and sports fans of teams from that shithole,

Fuck you.

I mean, seriously. You can help yourselves to a shovelfull of cock.

You raucously lament the state of Boston sports and how you're the most tortured fanbase of them all, balancing that delicately with an outcry of "Why can't everyone else be happy with our success? Well, let me tell you: Hardly anyone likes it when teams win that are not your own. As KSK so eloquently put it,

Any team that wins a title that is not your team is fucking annoying.

So get over it if we don't orgasm every time you guys win a title and start exuding strong odors of douche all over the place.

As for these teams torture you as a fanbase...shit, which team is that?

Certainly not your baseball team, who won the World Series a mere 3 years ago after having unprecedentedly come back from a 3-0 deficit in the ALCS. Oh yeah, and you've just come back from a 3-1 deficit AGAIN to enter the World Series, where you now stand with a 2-0 lead over America's streaking darlings, the Rockies. Those guys had a great story...why are you ruining it? Anyways, the source of your discontent and tortured souls couldn't possibly be from baseball.

What about basketball? Oh, yes, the Celtics have been rather poor lately...I almost feel bad for them. Almost. The 16 championship banners lofted above their hallowed court dry my sympathetic tears. For God's sake, it's about damned time other teams were winning them! But this doesn't stop you tea-drinkin' muthafuckas from bitching about your Celties, with their disgruntled demi-star, karmic-killing tanking, and not even getting Kevin Durant for their troubles. But, oh wait, this is Boston. You guys just buy a new team when you get bad, like your buddies (hah) the Yankees. Hey Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen: You guys want to play over here with Paul Pierce in a weak Eastern conference?
KG and Ray Allen: "Yes, please."
Fuck building a team, you'll just buy one to get an almost assured Finals appearance. No, I'm sure it's not basketball that causes such anguish.

It must be football then!

Right. With your Patriots that are pretty much becoming the best team of all time. Those Patriots that not only kick the shit out of every team they play, rape their mothers, and sodomize their pets, but are led by Tom Brady, of whom every normal other man alive is (justifiably) supremely jealous. Yeah, those Patriots.

Maybe it's your #2 BCS-ranked Boston College Eagles, whose Heisman Contender (HA!) Matt Ryan just pulled off a dramatic last-second comeback last night. No...saddened though you may be that the ranking system is so fucked up to have your overrated asses at #2, this can't possibly cause the kind of agony and distress that you so bewail.

I'm not even going to talk about Bill Simmons. Fuck him.

Bostonians are so annoying with their messed-up accents and using that damned Good Will Hunting line over and over again.

So to use the vernacular: Fack you, Bwaustin. You and your douchebag fans can go facking fellate yourselves. How do you like them apples?